I Know about Birthing Babies…

Our Son Joe, along with his best girl Johnna, are about to become Parents for the first time. “Any day now”, as the saying goes. Actually the due date is today, the 9th of October. Looks like the baby (a girl to be named hopefully before she begins grade school) will overshoot this due date by a few days, but we don’t know since BabygirlFish hasn’t let anyone know yet. Regardless, I found it incumbent upon me, based on lessons gleaned from my three previous tax deductions (nobody ever told me what to do or how to act during the birthing of babies); to wit—I felt obliged to provide the following advice at no charge:


1. Keep your mouth shut unless you are specifically requested to help/assist by Johnna. Do not speak unless spoken to. Eyes, ears are open and mouth remains closed. Sneezing coughing, loud breathing, humming or the emission of any sounds to include clearing of throat should be performed only in case of in emergency. Compliance is key! 


2. It is normal to worry about the pending Mother’s condition and progress. If you want to know what current condition her condition is in,  then use Google. Get in the furthest corner of the room remaining both visible and within earshot in case Johnna needs something. Do not, I repeat DO NOT anticipate what she may or may not need or want. Examples of this are combing of hair, holding of hands, or anything close to affection. Affection is what brought you to the dance. Ahem. Also, refer to #1 above.


3. Keep eyes on the monitors but do NOT call out numbers or other info that YOU might think is relevant. Keep your eyes and ears open and mouth closed. For further information, see item #1.


4. Do your business beforehand. If you don’t, then you will have to hold your pee and other body functions unless given express consent by Johnna.  Being in compliance with item 1 will hopefully afford you some personal time.


5. If you are able to slip the  epidural person a 100 dollar bill, it wouldn’t hurt. He/She is your new BFF. A nice tip should keep them in close proximity to the pending Mother in case she needs a fresh refill. Do this as discreetly as possible, without compromising anything in the aforementioned paragraph 1.


6. Actions upon arrival. When they toss that baby in the warmer, get over there and grab her tiny little hand. Try not to wet yourself, pass out, cry or spontaneously combust. Maintain the sanctity and decorum pursuant to those conditions described previously (see item #1). 


7. Be prepared to leave and go get Johnna whatever she wants to eat or drink. And damn well be quick about it. Once in your vehicle, all aforementioned conditions will be given immediate waiver, to include item 1. Upon return, resume the appropriate posture. 


8. Life as you know it, will never be the same. Believe me, you aint going to miss it and you will wonder what life was like before kids.  However, you will remember it all if you fail to comply with the conditions outlined in the first paragraph of this epistle. 


9. There's a lot of us who eagerly await the storks delivery and we don't have to pay attention to item #1. 


10. IT’s A GIRL!!

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