To Pee or not to Pee

 A wise man once told me “Never pass up an opportunity to pee.” Many Soldiers I served with wisely stated, “Better p***, time to move out!”

Truth be told, there are a lot of wise men and Old Soldiers who told me this.  It is, perhaps, the one thing I haven’t learned. 

I’m reminded of the Southern Maid ‘No Burn’ bacon commercials, where one guy remarked to the audience “He’ll never learn” (pronounced like Hee-uhl Nevah Lurnnn) IYKYK

Anyhow, back to my Lima bean sized bladder. 

I’ve recently determined that my life can be broken down into two distinct categories. 1) Holding my pee and B) Peeing. 

At this point I really should clean this up a little and refer to the process as tying my shoes. 

This is how my longtime friend, mentor, trumpet player  and illegitimate Father Larry McClendon refers to it. It’s discreet, non offensive and has a tone of elegance and sophistication, which I do not possess. 

To quote Bill Shakethespear;

“It is better to tie one’s shoes sooner than before the laces become knotted.”

Not to digress, but the opportunity to tie my shoes sneaks up on me. I’m certain I’m not the only one. The urge hits right before I start a task, in the middle of a task, when I’m thinking about a task, and before, during and after meals, sleep, visiting friends or family, and when I blink.  Normally, I am within a few yards of both my yard and proper (indoor) facilities. For me, the tying of one’s shoes while driving is the main thing. And like they say, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing when draining the main vein. 

Ok, they didn’t say it. I just did. 

Let’s face it, there’s humor in bodily functions. It’s not as funny when you are driving and there’s no litter box handy. 

Here’s what I have observed recently with myself when I need to tie my shoes:

— The nearest rest area is a mile behind me. 

— I will not allow myself to find a secluded spot along the roadway, highway, etc. (Prior experience has proven that an audience, ie, law enforcement, funeral procession, observation aircraft, or a school bus full of kids will magically appear at the exact time I need to let it rip). 

—There ain’t no such thing as a secluded location.

—Increasing the volume on the radio, singing along, tapping your foot and playing air instruments provide temporary relief. 

—You will sacrifice vehicle safety and an occasional traffic regulation to get yourself to the shoe tying station. 

—The urge intensifies exponentially as you get closer to the proper facilities.

— The LaMaze birthing class breathing techniques have proved more benefit to me than they ever did Shugaluvs. The cramps are real. 

So, friends and neighbors and to all fellow itty bitty bladder folks out there—Never pass an opportunity to tie your shoes. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just noticed my shoe is untied. 

Again.  

Ah, Who am I kidding? It’ll keep a while longer.