NOTHING BUT THE GEORGE

  Dear Mary Elizabeth     ‘Emi’ Rose—- We waited on your arrival as long as we waited on your Momma and Daddy to name you—it had gotten to the point of hoping you would have a name by the time you start school. Young People like your Parents don’t react as quick as us old folks do. We would have named you 25 times by now.    We had to hang the name of ‘Quatro’ on you for a time before you arrived---you are our 4thgrandchild, you see. But they announced that wonderful name and like you, it was perfect in every way.  It is a beautiful name, but don’t plan on me using it. I will call you something different because I’m crazy that way---3 kids and now 4 grandkids and I have NEVER called any of them by their name unless I had too.  But a little more on this name thing, bear with me— As your Paternal Grandfather , I must insist that you call me George-just cause. I cant abide by Paw Paw, Pee Paw, Peepad, Doo-wop, Doodah, G-Daddy or any of the other Grandpare...

Our Son Joe, along with his  best girl Johnna, are about to become Parents for the first time. “Any day now”, as the saying goes. Actually the due date is today, the 9th of October. Looks like the baby (a girl to be named hopefully before she begins grade school) will overshoot this due date by a few days, but we don’t know since BabygirlFish hasn’t let anyone know yet. Regardless, I found it incumbent upon me, based on lessons gleaned from  my three previous tax deductions (nobody ever told me what to do or how to act during the birthing of babies); to wit—I felt obliged to provide the following advice at no charge: 1. Keep your mouth shut unless you are specifically requested to help/assist by Johnna. Do not speak unless spoken to. Eyes, ears are open and mouth remains closed. Sneezing coughing, loud breathing, humming or the emission of any sounds to include clearing of throat should be performed only in case of in emergency. Compliance is key!  2.   It is normal ...

I’m washing the windows.  I asked Shugaluvs if there was something I could do to help and she said “ Do you want to help or are you looking for something to do?” (Trick question. Any answer you give you lose). ME: “Well I ain’t really looking for anything to do but…” SHUGALUVS: "I need the windows cleaned."    But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?   It was Saturday before last. A good Saturday with rest and relaxation on my schedule. Some piddling, yes, as always, but no major toil.  SHUGALUVS: “George, will you do me a favor?” ME: “Most certainly, my Leibchen. (Leibchen is German for Shugaluv)-- How mighteth I pleaseth thee? Please counteth the ways”, I state thru clenched teeth, sensing impending doom. Shugaluvs: “Would you please clean the light globes in the kitchen? Me: “Thou hath sayeth—-it shall be done, my liege!”   I unscrew the rings that hold the globes in place, delicately AND with an overabundance of caution and tender loving care I wash ...

Sitting on the front porch rocker just the other day, when a kid came by riding his bicycle. From my view, he appeared to be wearing a helmet, elbow and knee pads. Then I noticed approximately 20 feet behind him an automobile-- his Momma, obviously the kids wingman, was following behind him in her car with the hazard lights flashing. This explained all the safety gear. Boy, the times sure have changed. We rode our bikes with reckless abandon, as if we had just stolen them; alas, it was our first set of wheels and freedom! The way we did it was like this: First, you had to be dressed accordingly: barefooted, shirtless, and wearing shorts. Ball caps were optional. There were two type of crashes--planned and unplanned. These were the halcyon days of Evel Knievel so there were a lot of deliberate on purpose (planned) bike jumps that resulted in crashes. The unplanned were more severe, because you had less preparation time. Regardless of the type, you end up bleeding from damn near everywh...

I have thought long and hard about even posting anything. It is a most personal subject, so I will attempt to not get into the bowels of the subject. Here's the thing for us over 50 crowd and if you visit a doctor on a yearly basis. We have all been there. You are scheduled for a procedure. When a medical professional uses the word 'procedure' our instincts tell us to run like hell. Like an automobile, however, tis better to have regular scheduled maintenance than to wait until something breaks, falls off, or explodes. The 'procedure'  to which I refer takes place below the waist. It requires shoving 60 feet of garden hose into a 5 foot space, an area which is normally an exit. There is also a procedure where basically the same thing is done from above the waist, except they use a different hose. (I must tell this joke: Do you know the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste). For the below the belt procedure, the preparation is worse than the ...

  I love the Old Westerns on TV. Some are really good, and some are really not to my liking. All of them are enjoyable entertainment, and a great way to lose yourself from all the craziness that is in the world these days, even if  these programs begin with the disclaimer— "This program contains outdated cultural depictions. Viewer discretion is advised”. What a crock of fecal depictions. Regardless, last time I checked this is still a free country and I will view my depictions, outdated or otherwise, as I damn well please, thankyouverymuch. Despite having 5,280 other options for viewing, there’s nothing on TV nowadays worth watching. However, I do find that the old reruns of TV westerns are a staple of my viewing. It is a ‘Boot Hill’ a lot of us Boomers (even tail end Boomers like me) will die on. And on that note, lets take an impartial, non-biased and in no particular order, fair look at a few of these programs, shall we?   1.     ...