In Search of Underdrawers

 "These are the times that try men souls.” (Thomas Haynes, wearer of underdrawers)

 

Todays topic transcends politics, unidentified flying drones, the status of NIL Lamborghini driving College Football players, or the age-old problem of “What’s for Supper?”

I speak from a place we all know and hold close, and that’s underwear. (As for undershirts and socks, this doesn’t include you. I will address you at another date). 

To be specific, I mean underpants. What my Old Man referred to as ‘drawers’. In Southern English its pronounced ‘draws’. The Scientific community and other learned multitudes, for example, may categorize by Genus and Species, e.g., Ubi, Brevis (briefs), or Ubi Pugil (Boxer), or even Ubi Femoralia (drawers), but if you say “Draws” most folks know what you mean. Another Genus and Specie example would be Genus: Co-Cola Species: (Coke, Fanta, Dr. Pepper, etc.)

My history with underdrawers is neither complicated nor atypical. I began with diapers, working my way up through what were called ‘rubber pants’ and eventually the staple of all little boys, the tighty whitey. As an adult I discovered that the tighty whities  were like a cheap motel and had no ballroom, thus transitioned to boxers.

 (Full Disclosure: There was a  time that I went ‘Ubi Commando’). It was a glorious time and was not both necessary and efficient. ‘Twas the truth, the light, and the way. It was a life hack learned by many of those before me who served the many others in the Defense Department, particularly in areas of tropical and desert climates. One takes relief from the heat where one can, and I found it necessary and just.

But back to the boxer. They were comfy, cool, and could be worn around the house like a pair of shorts. What's not to like?

After a decade or two of this It became obvious that I needed to downsize and maintain some control of my property since my equity had reduced. Alas, with the onset of the boxer brief I had the best of both worlds. Since that transition, I have not been incontinent, I mean, I have been reasonably continent, I mean, content.

The issue presently is that my draws need replacement. They are built for speed but not built to last. When they begin to take on the appearance of swiss cheese, it’s time to go to Wally World.

Cotton is King. I prefer cotton. In the underwear department, there seems to not be anything 100% cotton anymore. There is a lot of cotton blend mess with rayon, polyester and blah blah blah moisture wicking materials.

My wick prefers cotton. These new draws for sale also have pouches or similar built in to accommodate your pouch parts. Pouch and parts notwithstanding, It has gotten entirely too complicated, too expensive and my recent purchases are ill fitting unless I'm standing. They have taken something so basic as draws and turned it into rocket science.

Quite frankly, it chaps my buttocks. I want cotton. I prefer cotton draws. I cotton to cotton. I will take my chances on all the moisture and other ‘at risk’ things that can happen at my age within the confines of a pair of drawers, that's on me. I am no rookie, I get it. I know what can happen If you laugh, sneeze or cough too hard, yet it is a risk that I am ready to assume.

At this stage of life, I just need comfort, lest I go Ubi Commando.