The Domino Effect

I’m washing the windows. 

I asked Shugaluvs if there was something I could do to help and she said “ Do you want to help or are you looking for something to do?”

(Trick question. Any answer you give you lose).

ME: “Well I ain’t really looking for anything to do but…”

SHUGALUVS: "I need the windows cleaned." 

 But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

 It was Saturday before last. A good Saturday with rest and relaxation on my schedule. Some piddling, yes, as always, but no major toil. 

SHUGALUVS: “George, will you do me a favor?”

ME: “Most certainly, my Leibchen. (Leibchen is German for Shugaluv)--

How mighteth I pleaseth thee? Please counteth the ways”, I state thru clenched teeth, sensing impending doom.

Shugaluvs: “Would you please clean the light globes in the kitchen?

Me: “Thou hath sayeth—-it shall be done, my liege!”

 

I unscrew the rings that hold the globes in place, delicately AND with an overabundance of caution and tender loving care I wash and dry both. While replacing the second globe attempt I twist the locking ring with more torque than necessary when I hear a loud ‘TICK’. 

The globe had cracked right at the hole that the mount goes through. 

 (Insert 7.5 seconds of expletives here)

 Shugaluvs, who is always cool calm and collected, responded in a most cordial and well-mannered way;

“Well I know it was an accident these lights are 15 years old and we need new lights in here anyway so let’s go to Lowe’s….”

(After thinking on this I’m of the opinion this was her plan all along)

And so it was off to Lowes we go.

 Of course, we could have bought 4  matching globes but that wasn’t meant to be. You see, it’s not so much that the globes’ function and match, it’s that the design of said globes must complement the entire house. They must flow. They must pop. They must have the right look. They must be HGTV endorsed and approved by Joanna Gaines.

 And that is what drives me to drink. 

 After creative consultation with her daughters, Shugaluvs went online and ordered her lights. 

During her phone call, I overheard the following: “If you want to get something new for the house , have your Father work on it.”

Ouch. Right in the slats. 

It’s going to be hard to put these lights up while wearing an athletic supporter and a dagger in my back! Barbarians!

Full disclosure: Just a week prior I had attempted to replace the belt on the vacuum cleaner when it and another necessary piece broke. Off to Lowe’s I go. And the week before that we rearranged the furniture, and I accidentally snagged a hole in the center of the rug with the recliner leg. Again, off to Lowe’s I go. So, Shugaluvs comment has some basis in fact. 

 

Anyway, it is now the next Saturday and the lights were installed by yours truly— on Labor Day weekend, which, for the rest of America, is celebrated by rest and relaxation. For Shugaluvs, who has the energy of a hummingbird, it means toil.  

Because the new lights are bright, it touched off a sequence of other events, namely Shugaluvs going on a fanatical cleaning spree and dehoarding of the kitchen cabinets, stove, appliances, floor, countertops, etc., and then-- she looked out the window. 

And now my narrow butt is out here washing windows.

I can’t blame anyone but myself. All because a fixture globe cracked. 

So, for those of you that find yourself in my position and your wife or significant other asks you to clean the light globes-- run like hell.