In Support of Whomp'ems

 I’m gonna say what I’m gonna say, and I know when I say it that a lot of folks will say “You’re nuts” and I will say “And your point is?” but I will say “I said what I said” and since I’ve lived 6 decades that means I can mostly do or say what I want, when I want, and how I want, regardless of the consequences. 

(Be right back I must go run some kids off my lawn).

 

In my opinion (you zealots read that again) -- there is a good argument to be had supporting canned, or ‘whomp’em biscuits.

 

(I will pause here so some of you can regain your bladder).

 

To be clear, my opinion does not, in any shape form or fashion, look down upon, usurp the authority of, nor disenfranchise any party or parties thereunto, to wit--throw shade at homemade or made from scratch biscuits.

 

Nearly everyone I know, met, or have yet to meet has ‘the best’ biscuit recipe, and they are all correct. The recipes are proprietary to those whose ancestry dates to the beginnings of Western Civilization and have been passed down like the crown jewels. I get it. It’s like saying you had the best Grandma in the universe. I did. You did. We all did. It is not for debate. Neither is the greatest biscuit you ever had. If you say it’s so, then it’s so. As far as I’m concerned, your homemade biscuit was mentioned in the book of Deuteronomy in red letters. Thou hath sayeth.

 

Lest I digress, I have learned that there are three topics to avoid when having discussions- Politics, Religion, and the other. It rhymes with flex. When you speak of any of these you will more likely than not alienate half of the population. 

 

All I am saying, is give whomp’ems a chance. 

 

For starters, there are several options of these. Flaky, Grande, Buttermilk, Buttery, etc. 

Secondly, and if you say different then you’re a liar, whomping the can on the counter is great fun! It’s akin to getting a prize out of the cereal box. There are times, though, that I’ve experienced ‘whompus interruptus’, which is when upon peeling the outside wrapper that the can explodes without having whomped it on the counter. This happens from time to time, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, especially if it’s been a long time since you last whomped. Even if you’re alone, opening a can of biscuits is pure enjoyment. 

 

The whomp’em is not only fool proof but it is consistently consistent. Even the ones that don’t claim to be flaky are flaky, the layers easily identifiable and easy to navigate to apply butter, jelly, link or patty sausage, ham, or just for plain sopping.

Some homemade made from scratch biscuits don’t hold up to sopping because they are delicate. Too much shortening or not enough could cause more work, which again gives advantage to the whomp biscuit because of its pliability. 

 

If you don’t like canned biscuits, blame Lively Willoughby of Louisville, Ky., at Ballard & Ballard Company, who in 1931 (according to the internet so it’s got to be true) came up with canned biscuit and rolled dough. A mere 3 years after sliced bread.

I ask you, rhetorically--Could there be any better testament to the American Industrial revolution?

 

NOTE: I will refrain from the frozen biscuit discussion as it becomes somewhat of a hybrid sub-discussion that does not require defending nor defying.

 

At my house, it is normal to keep a can of Whomp’ems handy. With working parents, I grew up in a house where canned biscuits were a staple. My Grandmother used canned biscuits, although not exclusively, and was grateful for the convenience after having grew up on the farm.

 

The convenience of the whomp biscuit cannot be overstated or undervalued. It is a shining example of how invention is the mother of necessity.

 

Therefore, I now yield back, and thus leave you, the reader, to draw upon your own conclusion.  Cast me to the fiery pits of hell if you must, for I can only account for myself when it is my time. But the whomp’em biscuit, for all its simplicity and ease of function, is indeed worthy of respect and admiration. It’s a hill I will defend.

 

I said what I said.