The Braves are Hell


It is no big secret that I love the Atlanta Braves. They are indeed having a wonderful season. But it comes with a cost. I’m not talking about the 2nd mortgage costs of taking a family of 4 to an actual game, I’m speaking of the unwashed. Those of us who cuss the cable bill every month because the only reason we have cable is to watch Braves baseball. Those of us who are hell bent to situate themselves in front of the Telly at game time. I’m talking about the costs of our mental well being- the anxiety, lack of sleep, the overuse of profanity, and the screaming at the television in tongues. In short, it is hell to be a Braves fan. When they lose it’s hell to pay. Can I get a witness?


I totally understand that most times people (me) create their own hell. That is most certainly my case, and Shugaluvs spends a great deal of time talking me off the ledge. Regardless,I’m trying to figure out specifically what kind of hell we(me)go through watching the Braves. I have attempted to break it down so we (me)can better understand our (my) plight. 


Heavenly Hell- the hell where we long to dwell—when the Braves are on a winning streak, the starters are going 6 innings, the offense offends, the defense defends and you use 2 bullpen closers seal the deal. It’s textbook. Love is in the air and you wear your best Braves hat when going to town.  Admittedly, we have spent quality time here and here’s hoping we continue. 


Regular- a normal game with a non threatening team that decides they would like to see someone else leading the division and for that reason pull out all the stops to stage a rally after having a 3 run deficit to tie it up in the 9th. This results in no less than 3 extra innings that will result in a walk off of some sort by the Braves for a skin of their teeth victory. 


Fresh Hell- this is at the beginning of a 3 game series early in the season with a good team who you haven’t played yet but you’re liable to see in the post season. Grass is green, the chalk and bases whiter than white, the beer is cold, and within the first dozen pitches you’re down by 3 runs. You have 8 innings remaining. 


Sheer Hell- the same scenario as Fresh, except it lasts for an entire 3 game series. You pray for rain delays. The Injured list has 2 starting pitchers, a shortstop and left fielder on it with no relief in sight and the nearly tied for first place with us team is next in line. All the while the announcers mention statistics that make you want to leap off a bridge. “The Braves have just set a MLB record: No other team in the history of baseball has loaded the bases 7 times in one inning for 6 games in a row in the month of May!”


Holy Hell- this scenario is when the Braves are down by 5 runs early in the game and somehow by divine providence battle their way back to win with extra inning middle of the night when normal people are in bed heroics which result in comments like what in the holy hell just happened?!?


Pure D- Yes, my personal favorite, the stand alone Hell of all hells, the standard by which all hell is measured. In short, Pure D is a combination of all the other hells combined. It is more difficult to explain than it is to experience. 

It’s comparable to the age old question our youth have asked grown ups at one time or another, How do you know you have hemorrhoids? The standard reply, of course, is “You’ll Know!”


Is it a coincidence that 9 circles of hell as described in Dante’s Inferno and a Baseball game has 9 innings? 

I think not. 

Dante was a Braves fan. 


Go Braves! Give ‘em Hell!

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