Georges' Old TV Westerns Review

 I love the Old Westerns on TV. Some are really good, and some are really not to my liking. All of them are enjoyable entertainment, and a great way to lose yourself from all the craziness that is in the world these days, even if these programs begin with the disclaimer—

"This program contains outdated cultural depictions. Viewer discretion is advised”.

What a crock of fecal depictions.

Regardless, last time I checked this is still a free country and I will view my depictions, outdated or otherwise, as I damn well please, thankyouverymuch.

Despite having 5,280 other options for viewing, there’s nothing on TV nowadays worth watching. However, I do find that the old reruns of TV westerns are a staple of my viewing. It is a ‘Boot Hill’ a lot of us Boomers (even tail end Boomers like me) will die on. And on that note, lets take an impartial, non-biased and in no particular order, fair look at a few of these programs, shall we?

 

1.     Gunsmoke-The longest running. Western owned television. James Arness was recommended by John Wayne to play Matt Dillon. No other credentials are required. The black and white episodes were great because they were 30 minutes. Matt outgunned them and buried em on the aforementioned Boot Hill. Before he killed ‘em he gave em fair warning- “Get out of Dodge!”  Miss Kitty ran the bar with the iron hand and it doesn't appear that there were any prostitutes there, a remarkable feat if you've ever seen the show Deadwood. Doc Adams. Well, what can you say? No medical professional has ever removed their eyeglasses, used a stethoscope, or rubbed their chin more than Doc. When he wasn’t doing that he was hanging out at the Long Branch drinking beer and generally meddling in everyone’s business, most notably that of Chester Goode and later on, Festus Hagen. Chester, bless his heart, had a permanent limp, couldn’t handle strong liquor, and was taken advantage of due to his good nature. He was perpetually scared, and always cautioned “Mr. Dillon”. Festus was a former Ozark hell raiser and Skinner who wore his hat too low on one side giving him cauliflower ear. He ended nearly every sentence in a question (Don't you see?) He was a mean drunk and took out his frustration on Quint Asper, the half breed Indian, who served the town as a hard working blacksmith.  Eventually Quint was replaced by Dooly. Because of my relative youth, I only saw Gunsmoke in color growing up (Technically. I saw it in black and white up until the time we had a color TV, when I was around 10). Matt Dillon, for the duration of the show, kept putting off making an honest woman out of Kitty Russell, because he was in no way going to be involved with a woman who ran a bar. Can't say that I blame him. Everyone suspects that they were ‘friends with benefits’, though, and I can't say as I blame him for that, either. Why marry the bar owner when you can drink free?

 

2.     Bonanza-(que the theme music!) The large spread, aptly named Ponderosa, whereupon Ben Cartwright is the CEO, Adam is the brains, Hoss is the dependable one and Little Joe spent his entire life chasing girls and causing trouble everywhere he went. Bonanza has the best theme song of any TV Western. Bonanza was broadcast in color for its entirety, and like most shows, the earliest ones were the best. When Dan Blocker, AKA Hoss, died in 1972, they should have pulled the plug on the entire thing. Hoss Cartwright WAS Bonanza. They kept adding more cousins, nephews, illegitimate kids and no telling who else. It sucked. Ben Cartwright went on to sell dog food. It is simply not fit to watch after season 13.

 

3.     The Rifleman-Lucas McCain, AKA Sodbuster (he was referred to as this by every bad guy that ever came into view). Greatest marksman ever! In the opening intro, he cocks his rifle 12 times (although the sound is of 13 shots fired). Was unable to farm his land or raise his son Mark (who was assigned permanent buckboard duty) due to Micah Torrance, the notoriously inept sheriff of North Fork, who also fell off the wagon and pulled a bender on more than one occasion. Micah was a gimp who could barely hold a shotgun. His only trait was to ask friend Lucas for help. A friend in need is a pain the butt. North Fork has probably gone to hell since Lucas McCain passed away.

4.     High Chaparral-To be honest, I have never watched a complete episode of this show. When I was a small child It aired well past my bedtime. As a senior citizen, it airs well past my nap time.

5.     Big Valley- ixnay on the igvalleybay, sil  vous plait. I do not care for Barbara Stanwyck. I don’t care for her a lot. There’s such a thing as ballsy women. She is too ballsy. She cracked the whip on all her sons (to include her late husbands illegitimate son Heath) whom I assumed eventually married ballsy women and remained hen-pecked for eternity. No toilet seats left down on the Barkley Ranch! It is of little wonder that Mr. Barkley had died beforehand; one can only imagine the amount of sheer hell he caught for various infractions. He was better off dead.

 

6.     Wagon Train- I love me some Wagon Train! I remember watching this as a small child and I like watching the reruns. It has a cast of thousands. Like most of these programs, the black and white episodes are better than the ones broadcast in color. The best character is Charlie Wooster, the cook. Great theme song and a mix of both drama and hijinks gives this a solid viewability.

 

7.     Have Gun, Will Travel- Another great theme song, followed by most opening scenes where Paladin is dressed like a city dude, lounging in the Carlton Hotel when the Chinaman, ‘Hey Boy’ a staff employee, delivers a telegram (Ok, so maybe the cultural depiction thing is a thing here). Even in the credits he is listed as ‘Hey Boy’). He then puts on his cowboy duds, mounts his trusty steed and rides off in search of notorious and nefarious outlaw trash who needs killing….for a small fee plus expenses. If the client is a pretty lady he is liable to work gratis. What's not to like?

 

8.     Wild Wild West-A staple of my childhood. My brother and I watched this show religiously. It was the Cowboy version of 007. Accompanied by his able and reliable partner, Artemus Gordon, there was virtually no problem they couldn’t handle without a change of identity or a good catapult up the sleeve. For the life of me, however, I could never understand why James West never beat that pesky midget.

 

9.     Wanted: Dead or Alive-black and white western starring Steve McQueen. A Man's man. He used a sawn-off version of Lucas McCain's rifle holstered like a pistol, which is cool. He soon discovered motorcycles and Ford Mustangs, and that was the end of that.

 

10.  Trackdown-a black and white western starring Robert Culp. Robert Culp fared better as a criminal on the old Columbo TV series than he did as a lawman on a Western. The main reason this show is not any good is because he walked like a Sissy. He pranced. He sashayed. It's disgusting. It is all you see. He walked like a gay waiter, not that there's anything wrong with prancing, sashaying gay waiters. I just don’t believe the Texas Rangers (the lawmen or the baseball team) would approve.

11.  Worth a Watch: Whispering Smith (You Tube)-this was a short lived show starring Audie L. Murphy, one of my heroes. “Murph’ was among the baddest of asses in real life even though he is only a B movie actor. Doesn't matter, he was Audie Murphy, and he didn’t walk like a sissy, either.

 There are many more westerns out there. The absolute worst of them are wonderful.